When You Just Want to Be a Good Mom…

A post from the archives, for Mother's Day…

It struck me today

How good readers first must read

How good runners first must run

How good cooks first must cook

How a good Momma first must be a Momma

When I wonder if I will ever get this right

And the earth circles the sun 

And I still rush the kids when we should go slow

and silence them when I should listen

And I don't yell by raising my voice, but the tone is just so harsh, so demanding

When I teach them about being gentle

And wonder how in the world I can find more gentleness

to fill this soul

To break into the depths

and leak through the cracks

Perhaps this is why we break into the world of parenthood with wide wonder

A new baby in my arms and me –

wondering why in the world the hospital would let me take her home

when I proved no real knowledge of rasing a child

But maybe now I know.

You can't be a good momma until you are a momma.

Being a momma rips you right open

Exposes the broken, and the weakness.

Exposes your tendency toward selfishness.

I didn't really know who I was

until I was a Momma

and not because I find completeness in my kids.

I don't.

But because they reflect who I am

and I can't avoid the truth in the mirror

And if we really want to be a good momma

we have to be a momma.

Who cares

Who admits mistakes

Who asks for forgiveness

Who sees her children struggle 

and sees her own struggle

Who doesn't demand perfection

But joins them in the journey.

And so I do.  Today.

And every day after.

One day at a time.

One step at a time.

I am training for my own Olympics

making my heart hurdle obstacles of frustration

and jumping high and long to avoid the need to control

I am discovering my areas of weakness

and depending on Truth to strengthen them.

And some days I am exhausted

the training is hard.

But at the end of the race

it won't matter what the competition did

it won't matter if they ran faster 

or if they jumped farther

but it will matter that I finished strong

that I received the prize

for these medals are made of something much richer than gold

Children

A Family

Deep unwavering faith

In the One who sees me

And pours out grace

for me.